How Can Trauma Affect Our Sexuality?
The effects of trauma are multifaceted. It can alter both our mood and the sensations we feel in our body. Sometimes it manifests as headaches, gastrointestinal distress, chronic pain, or other symptoms. It’s also been linked to struggles with depression, anxiety, low self-esteem and self-worth, trouble sleeping, and more. Trauma can make us feel like we’ve lost essential parts of ourselves. Many survivors of sexual assault and trauma struggle to regain a sense of control over their safety and sexuality.
How can we reclaim this essential part of ourselves and learn to find joy from it? We looked to experienced therapists, including Viva Therapist Faith Ferber and Alina McClerklin, for ways to regain one’s sense of control.
Reclaiming one’s sexuality is a unique process for each individual. The following suggestions may offer opportunities for breakthroughs for some people, while others may be more successful using different techniques. Take what you need. Leave the rest.
Sex After Trauma Is Possible
First, you should know that it is totally normal for sexual trauma to change how you think about sex. It is also possible to have sex after assault that feels safe and enjoyable. “You are a sexual being,” Alina reminds us, “and it is okay to like sex and want to have a healthy sex life.” It may take time and patience—and there’s nothing wrong with that. Regaining control over your sexuality is a healthy and normal part of the healing process.
Develop a Sex-Positive Attitude
Our society sends a lot of mixed messaging around sex and sexuality that contribute to confusion. Sexual content is everywhere, yet it’s simultaneously taboo to talk about openly,” Faith shares. “For survivors of trauma, the negative messages often become further complicated.
Below are some questions to help you explore your views about sex and develop a positive view of healthy sexuality:
- What does sex mean to you?
- What do you want out of sex?
- What lessons have your experiences taught you about sex?
- Do these lessons promote a healthy sex life or create barriers?
Faith encourages you to challenge the negative messages with alternatives:
- Sex isn’t meant to be scary.
- I am built to enjoy sex, and
- I am capable of doing so in a safe and trusting environment.
Remember, despite what past traumas have taught us, sex is designed to be pleasant. After all, all of us, from the birds to the bees, are sexual beings. If something doesn’t feel right, then it isn’t right—and it can be changed.
Identify Your Triggers
Triggers are sights, sounds, smells, or even feelings that bring back memories of the trauma and cause intense emotional and physical reactions, such as raised heart rate, sweating, and muscle tension. After sexual trauma, it’s normal to find yourself triggered by being touched in a certain place, performing a certain act, or even hearing a specific song.
If you feel ready, try to identify what your triggers are. The following frame may be helpful: “When X occurs, I start to feel Y. My brain is making associations with my trauma, even though that’s not what’s happening right now. This is okay and normal, and I can get past it.”
Once you know what triggers you, it’s perfectly okay for you to avoid those stimuli in the future. If you feel comfortable doing so, talk to your partner about what you need to feel comfortable during intimate moments. A good partner will understand and follow through.
Even when you can’t avoid a trigger, arming yourself with this information will help you understand what your mind and body are going through when you’re subconsciously brought back to your trauma. Understanding is the first step towards healing.
Discover and Strengthen Your Sense of Agency
As we mentioned above, trauma can make us feel like we have no control over our lives and bodies. While healing, it’s important to regain your sense of agency, so you know you’re in charge of your sexuality.
Initiate. For those with partners, we recommend entering a period where you are the only one who initiates sexually. You may decide to be physically intimate several times a week, or not at all—and both of those options are normal. A healthy partner will understand your need to regain your sense of control, and will encourage and assist you in this process.
Practice Consent. Not only can you practice saying yes, but you can also practice saying no. This can be as simple as standing in front of the mirror, practicing saying “no” out loud. It can also involve saying no in other areas of your life more frequently. For example, do you usually let your friends pick the movie for movie night, even when you don’t like it? Say no! Did your food come with a topping you explicitly asked to be excluded? You have the right and knowledge to assert your needs and desires.
Retrain Your Body to Accept Pleasurable Sensations – At Your Own Pace
“Your body belongs to you,” Alina shared, so it’s important for you to understand what it needs, how to love it, and how to feel comfortable in it. One way to engage with your body is through training it to accept—and enjoy—touch.
Safe self-touch. Try placing your hands on different parts of your body and experiment with how different types of touch make you feel. What is it like to massage your arm versus to scratch it? Is there a spot on your hand that feels nice to press on? Remember to only do what you feel ready for—this isn’t about straining yourself, but about having a positive experience with touch.
Stimulate your senses. Light a sweet-smelling candle, or eat a square of dark chocolate. Notice what you enjoy, and why. And remember, this process can be emotional, so don’t feel the need to rush. Whatever pace feels right is right.
Communicate with Your Partner
Remember, you get to choose how, where, and when, and with whom you have sex. A good partner will respect this and will want to communicate with you to make sure that both of you are always comfortable and enjoying yourselves.
Talk with your partner outside of the bedroom to negotiate what sex will look like. Ask one another the following questions:
- What do you need to feel safe during sex? What about before and after?
- Can we make a safety plan in case one of us becomes triggered?
- What are your boundaries? Is there any type of touch that makes you uncomfortable? Is there any place you don’t want to be touched?
- What do you enjoy and want during sex?
McClerklin notes that during your conversation, it’s important that your partner makes you feel supported, listened to, and valued. If any of these components are missing, it might indicate that couples therapy is needed to help the two of you come to a common ground on how to re-establish your sex life.
During your conversation, it’s important that your partner makes you feel supported, listened to, and valued. If any of these components are missing, couples therapy might be helpful for you to find common ground on how to re-establish your sex life.
Be Healthy
Sex should be both emotionally and physically safe for all involved. In addition to using protection to prevent the spread of STIs or STDs, pay attention to how your body behaves and feels during sex. Sex shouldn’t hurt. So if you’re experiencing pelvic pain, check in with your primary care physician or a specialist. Dealing with erectile dysfunction? That may be indicative of other health issues, so it’s worth checking out.
And of course, remember to get tested on a regular basis. For example, every time you take a new partner, you can get tested for your safety and theirs.
Be Kind to Yourself
Your comfort and happiness are the most important parts of this process. It’s okay if some of these steps don’t work for you—every person is unique, and so are their journeys as survivors. It takes courage and hard work to recover from trauma, and you deserve to be congratulated for the steps you are taking.
Get Support
Have any questions, want support, or want to share the tips that helped you cope? Feel free to contact us anytime. We value your stories and appreciate any feedback you have to give.
You don’t have to process trauma alone. Seek out a trauma-informed and/or sex therapist and shop around until you find the one who’s right for you.
