Summary

ADHD in relationships can lead to chronic misunderstandings, tension, and emotional distance. While accommodations are common in school settings, romantic relationships rarely come with clear guidance or support. In this blog, clinician Schuyler Cunningham introduces a tool to fill that gap: an ADHD accommodation letter specifically for couples. This structured, empathetic approach can transform how partners navigate ADHD in relationships.

Outline

Why ADHD in Relationships Deserves More Attention
Understanding Neurodivergent Strategies without Shame
Why ADHD in Relationships Needs Structured Support
How ADHD in Relationships Shows Up: Executive Functioning Challenges
A Hopeful Note: Planning for ADHD in Relationships
You don’t need to fix your partner

Why ADHD in Relationships Deserves More Attention

Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is a diagnosis that gets talked about a lot in current society. With a median age of diagnosis at 6 years old, ADHD is widely recognized as a challenge for kids. Many school systems offer extra support like extended test times, visual aids, and modified assignments to help students with ADHD succeed. But there is less public knowledge about the impact of ADHD outside of academic settings and across the lifetime.

Particularly in relationships, ADHD is shown to strain romantic partnerships, impact peer rejection, and more. I recently sat down with ADHD expert Schuyler Cunningham, founder of The Washington, DC Center for Neurocognitive Excellence. Our wide-ranging conversation zeroed in on the unique challenges for couples when an ADHD diagnosis is in the mix. He generously shared a new tool he created with me – an accommodation letter for couples.

“I’ve seen books focused on ‘helping your husband with ADHD.’ Yet not enough concrete tools exist to address the true friction ADHD can cause within a relationship.”
– Schuyler Cunningham

One of the most common ways school districts begin to support a student with ADHD is through an accommodation letter. That letter is then used to implement accommodations for the student. The implementation of the accommodations is required by the Americans with Disabilities Act or ADA.

Schuyler noted, “The legal process is supported by the ADA and the accommodations letter to ensure the student has what they need to excel at school, but there is no ADA in a relationship or partnership.” So I wanted to create a way for couples to understand what accommodations may be needed in the relationship when ADHD is present.”

Understanding Neurodivergent Strategies without Shame

People with ADHD have the challenge of learning how to externalize their executive functions. People without ADHD can typically and more easily manage their executive functions internally. This is the intersection of a lot of strife in a partnership, and it requires understanding and accommodation.

For example, short-term or working memory can be an issue for people with ADHD. And it can be an issue for a partner of someone with ADHD.

The often humorous trope about “where did I leave my keys?” is an example of that short-term or working memory challenge for people with ADHD. If they don’t put their keys in the exact same place every time, they’re very likely to lose them. The act of putting your keys in the exact same place is an example of externalizing your executive function of working memory. The repository of the keys becomes your working memory. Whereas, someone without ADHD may be able to put their keys wherever they want and not have trouble finding them.

Why ADHD in Relationships Needs Structured Support

Clinical EEG and qEEG studies have shown that people with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) have different brain activity from people who don’t. Yet it is unfortunately common for folks living with ADHD to experience discrimination, shaming, and gaslighting. That’s why it’s so important to normalize their lived experiences and strengthen legal protections against discrimination.

Schuyler’s letter of accommodations for couples aims to create this structured support within partnerships. When someone has ADHD, the difference in brain function and executive functioning is beyond your control, as an individual and a partner.

Schuyler mentioned that when “we try to put positive spins on ADHD symptoms by calling them ‘opportunities for improvement,’ this can become toxically positive.” Toxic positivity doesn’t allow for a conversation and plan about the serious downstream effects that ADHD in relationships can have.

For example, if you need 15 more minutes every time it is time to leave the house, your partner might begin to take that personally and get frustrated. Then they might say something like, “You can find your phone when you need it, but why not your keys?” He provided the example that “someone in a wheelchair doesn’t have an ‘opportunity for improvement’ to walk up stairs“.

With the accommodations letter for couples, Schuyler’s hope is that this frustration, which impacts both partners, can be understood and planned for. In the words of Benjamin Franklin, “If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail”.

How ADHD in Relationships Shows Up: Executive Functioning Challenges

If ADHD is not a part of your everyday life, it may be difficult for you to visualize the kinds of strains it presents to relationships. Or if you live with ADHD or ADHD in your relationship, these scenarios may be all too familiar. Whichever reality you live in, our aim is to reduce stigma and increase supportive action by highlighting these struggles and their correlating domains of executive functioning (DoEF).

Time Blindness stems from struggles associated with Planning, Prioritization, and Time Management. As such, folks who struggle with it can often show up late for planned activities, miss deadlines, or become preoccupied with “time-wasting” activities. Over time, lateness and other manifestations of time blindness can lead to feelings of frustration within relationships.
Impulsivity can relate to DoEFs for Response Inhibition and Emotional Control. Whether within a romantic relationship, familially, at work, or within social settings, interrupting conversations and excessive talking are not generally praised behaviors. Yet they can go hand-in-hand with impulsive tendencies that folks with ADHD may have. Potentially leading to embarrassment, annoyance, or even distance from peers and partners.
Messiness may result from struggles with Task Initiation and Sustained Attention. Household chores are one of the top three reasons couples fight. Add into the mix a brain that organizes the internal resources to complete tasks differently, or what may feel like, not at all. The tensions can compound.

A Hopeful Note: Planning for ADHD in Relationships

When you understand each other more deeply, you can better work with what you’ve got. Schuyler’s accommodation letter for couples facilitates this skillfully by directly addressing the domains of executive functioning, the potential resulting interpersonal dynamics, and associated goals and recommendations for couples.

For example, the goal of “increased emotional connection” is supported by regular check-ins and open dialogue. He goes on to share a practical, reasonable implementation timeline the couple can use, as well as risks and benefits that could arise. The letter gets more specific as it goes on, and there’s a reason for this.

Schuyler shared that, “The process for determining school accommodations is not clear in the literature. There is no set algorithm for suggesting that someone needs 50% versus 100% more time on a test because they scored in a certain percentile on an ADHD measure administered as part of an ADHD assessment. ” This doesn’t exist, and this is a disservice to the ADHD community. In contrast, the clarity and specificity of his recommendation letter are refreshing, backed by research, and affirming for both partners.

You don’t need to fix your partner

“These changes in routine, environment, communication, and decision making don’t just benefit the partner with ADHD. Enhanced executive functioning skills are good across the board. Both partners’ well-being can benefit from these tools.”
– Schuyler Cunningham

The goal of Schuyler’s accommodation letter for couples is greater understanding, communication, and fostering a supportive environment. Relationships – with or without ADHD – would do well to implement these pillars. While ADHD and many mental health struggles can be difficult to live with, they can also open up the opportunity for us to slow things down. And one of Schuyler’s favorite phrases is “festina lente,” which means, make haste slowly.

“We know that slowing down the process of communication enhances understanding,” he shared towards the end of our conversation. Supportive systems can reduce stress. For partners living with an ADHD diagnosis, our hope is that knowledge of this tool reaches you.

Struggling with ADHD? We’re here to help.

We understand that ADHD looks different for everyone. Whether you’re dealing with distraction, overwhelm, emotional reactivity, or relationship tension, our trauma-informed clinicians offer personalized support rooted in brain- and body-based approaches like EMDR, Brainspotting, and more. Get in touch with us here.

Schuyler’s team at the Center for Neurocognitive Excellence also specializes in ADHD, neurofeedback, and brain mapping. Get in touch with him (schuyler@adhd-center-dc.com) to learn more about accommodation letters and other support for ADHD.

About the Authors

Schuyler C. Cunningham, LICSW, LCSW, LCSW-C, BCD, BCN

Expert ADHD practitioner and award-winning social worker, Schuyler specializes in assessments, evaluations, and treatment. He is one of only two Board Certified in Neurofeedback providers in Washington, DC. He trains other mental health providers in ADHD assessment, Brain Maps/qEEGs, and holds advanced social work licenses in DC, Maryland, and Virginia.