About the Episode
What do high-pressure emergency response and intimate relationships have in common? Communication under stress.
In this episode of Whole by Design, Dr. Julie Lopez sits down with Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC) Lee Collins to explore what truly strengthens connection in relationships.
Drawing from his background in corporate leadership, emergency response, and clinical counseling, Lee shares how high-pressure environments reveal the communication patterns that either build trust or break it down. He unpacks the subtle shifts that move relationships from conflict to connection and explains why emotional awareness is the foundation.
This episode offers actionable insight into relationship skills, communication, and emotional regulation, helping you show up stronger in love, work, and life.
Episode Guest
Lee Collins, LCPC is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor specializing in relationships, communication, and emotional awareness. With a professional background spanning corporate leadership, emergency response, and clinical counseling, Lee brings a unique perspective to helping individuals and couples navigate conflict and build stronger connections. Drawing on years of experience leading teams in high-pressure environments, he equips clients with practical tools to strengthen communication, deepen intimacy, and foster lasting, healthy relationships.
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Episode Transcript:
Dr. Julie Lopez: Hi everyone, my name is Dr. Julie Lopez, and I am your host today for Whole By Design. On this month’s episode, we will be diving into relationships, all types of relationships with yourself, with other people, and of course, intimate relationships.
Be sure to stay till the end, where you will hear our guest, Lee Collins, special tips on three things to jump start your morning, because of course, when you’re at your best, it’s a great building block for really enhancing your relationships.
Today, I would like to welcome Lee, who is a relationship expert, and he comes to this profession through a lot of personal experiences and motivations around enhancing relationships.
Thank you so much for joining us today, Lee.
Lee Collins: Oh, Dr. Julie, I’m honored to be talking with you today.
Thank you.
From Leadership to Mediation: Lee’s Journey into Relationship Work
Dr. Julie Lopez: I would love to hear the story about how you got interested in doing work with relationships in the first place. I know you moved over; you’re a licensed clinical professional counselor, but you had a really interesting career prior.
Can you tell us a little bit about your interest in relationships?
Lee Collins: You look back on your life, and I think I always enjoyed communicating with people, but early in my life, I was enthralled with debating and trying to prove my point. As an early young man, I worked at FedEx because I had a little family to support, but it was during that time that I ended up moving into leadership and became a supervisor and a manager. I saw the impact of leadership, which is largely communication.
I didn’t fully understand the true power of it, but I got glimpses.
Then when that career ended a little more quickly than I thought during 9-11, I stumbled into the fire department, which was just an amazing experience. What a career.
I started off as a fireman and then as a paramedic, and communicating with people who are in distress. They typically call the fire department because they’re having a bad day. Communicating with people, here’s what we’re doing, here’s what we’re trying to go.
Then I had the privilege of becoming a leader in the fire department, moving up the ranks. If you want optimal performance, if you want strong team results, communication is essential.
You add on top of that the pressure. Things are happening; it’s dynamic. My communication had to go up even higher there. Then there was just a moment in the fire department where I was in the office, then and some things happened in the department that really weren’t favorable for the department, publicity-wise.
A colleague of mine, the EO officer, introduced me to mediation. There were some county mediators. Interacting with them just had such a dramatic impact on my life.
I began to study mediation. I think that’s a little bit of the art.
Dr. Julie Lopez: Yes, and of course, when you’re in a position of leadership, and you know how important it is to relate accurately with one another, be able to really listen, and then communicate effectively.
You said you saw someone come in and do mediation, and you started to recognize, oh my gosh, there’s all this complexity here. There’s all these levers we can move and shift to have people really feel seen, heard, understood, and it opens up a whole new world. I love that story as being so inspiring that it inspired you to go back and hone your skills even further as a professional counselor.
Lee Collins: I love your analogy of shifting some gears because that’s really what happens. You’ve used the phrase people being seen and heard or heard and understood. When you’re in the room with people and a person feels heard, you see it visually, but sometimes they’ll use some language that goes, yes, that’s how I was feeling.
Most of us, now this is a theory, Dr. Julie, I’m still working it out, but what I see is the reason people struggle to change or improve their communication style is because it traces back to our family of origin. It’s almost like our DNA. We grew up in a family.
Ask a client, how was conflict in your family of origin? Often, they’ll share something that wasn’t optimal or was dysfunctional. That is now their default. What are the skills that, in the moment, in the heat of the moment, take a person to shift the gear to a place of, okay, I want the best opportunity for you to feel heard.
I know what I’m feeling, but I want to impact the environment for you. When you gain those skills and when people gain them, it really is transformative.
Dr. Julie Lopez: I love that.
I know you’ve said you’re really passionate about watching and even getting the privilege of being able to be a guide or be a small portion of people’s transformative journeys. You talked about interpersonally, their relationship with themselves, or with you, one-on-one, where the two of you are using your relationship as a vehicle for change, or helping people in a dyad or even in a group, where the relationship is really at the heart of the work. Can you tell me a little bit about your favorite types of transactions that happen within your work that really light you up?
The Transformative Power of Being Seen and Heard
Lee Collins: I still don’t fully understand what I’m getting ready to share, but it’s true.
I enjoy watching and being a part of couples arguing. Typically, a person will say, well, when we were driving, you said this, and I can’t believe you said it. Their voice raises. Then the other person, their voice raises.
Dr. Julie Lopez: I did not say that.
Lee Collins: I didn’t say that.
Dr. Julie Lopez: Can I get a word in edgewise? No, I’m just kidding.
Lee Collins: You always, right?
Dr. Julie Lopez: You never. How come never?
Lee Collins: And so when we’re in the conflict, we don’t see ourselves, but being an objective party, and so in so many arenas, right? In so many arenas, we have people who coach us, right? You’re doing a workout.
No, no, no. You’re not. You’re using your shoulders. You’re only supposed to use your biceps.
No, no, no. You did that dance move wrong.
No, no, no. Your memo should have said this, and we accept it, but when we’re in conflict, we act as if, oh, my God, what can you add? But the truth is that I’m able to see when things change and when people do certain things, and so then when it’s brought to their attention, and they’re receptive, now they have the opportunity to do something different, and so when they begin to practice, and so you mentioned it, right?
Emotional Triggers, Physiology, and Tactical Empathy
Lee Collins: So it starts with ourselves, right? So why does my voice raise? Because you remind me of my mother, because you brought up something. When I was a kid, I always felt demeaned.
When you do that, I feel intimidated or bullied, and it takes me back, and oftentimes, folks will say, well, I was in an abusive relationship, right?
And so beginning to understand that, and it’s not changing who I am. I’m changing my approach because I want to impact my emotional balance, but in doing that, I want to impact you. When we get emotional, physiologically, there’s a point at which you go past a certain point, and we’re no longer thinking rationally.
We’re thinking with a different part of our brain.
Dr. Julie Lopez: Yeah, of course. That’s right.
Lee Collins: And so if we stop at a certain point and do something different, so for example, begin to breathe, right? It brings us back down. I’m reading a book right now. It’s called Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss, who is a well-known FBI hostage negotiator, and he calls this whole piece Tactical Empathy.
So it’s understanding where a person is so that I can impact this moment and all the moments to come. See, that’s what we want to do.
Dr. Julie Lopez: I love that way. Say it again. Do it again. Say it again. I love it.
Lee Collins: Tactical Empathy, right? I want to understand your emotions and mine, but hopefully I’ve already controlled mine. I want to understand your emotions so that I can impact this moment and the moments to come.
Dr. Julie Lopez: If there’s a disconnect, you’re done. It’s over, right?
Disconnection, Reconnection, and Shortening the Gap
Dr. Julie Lopez: Empathy is so critical for feeling heard, understood, and connected.
Lee Collins: Oh, and so just this week, somebody said to me that you might have heard this often as well. We argue, and it’s about the dumbest things.
They don’t even matter. And so this thing that we both agree is insignificant leads to blowing up and feeling disconnected. The feelings of disconnected, boy, life is too short.
How long do we want to be disconnected? You want it to be a week, right? We’re not talking for a week. How about we bring it down? Maybe we feel disconnected for a half hour. And then we do something to reconnect.
Dr. Julie Lopez: Right? I love that. Yes. And of course, I loved what you said about it being outside of consciousness.
You’re asking people, you’re like, oh, wait, hold on. I’m just making it up. I see your shoulders raising. Your voice got higher. What are these things that you might not even be tracking? Because what you can’t see, it’s very hard to change. And so that awareness piece is such a gift for you to bring to the table.
I was thinking about the Johari window. I don’t know if you’re familiar with that. And I see you nodding your head, yes.
But it’s the power of the blind spot. The fact that I could see something that you can’t see. And that’s a gift if you’re pulling it in intentionally with the intention of wanting to make things better.
Lee Collins: Well, I know your work is rooted in the subconscious. Yes. And just the beauty of gaining traction in that area.
But the beauty of the blind spot. So in the fire department, we would, particularly crews that were good, we would train. Right? And so let’s say you’re deploying a hose line to the fourth floor.
Right? And the drill doesn’t go well. Right? Well, don’t we want that to happen when there’s no fire? Like you learned, oh, that I need to put it a little further back on my shoulder. Or I need to lean forward on the steps.
Or we need to move a little closer together. And so normalizing those kinds of things because and then learning to welcome the blind spot. Somebody says, gosh, you know, Lee, when you do this, it really throws me off.
Man, thank you for sharing. If I can gain that perspective, you know, when you wake up in the morning. So if my spouse says, when you wake up in the morning, you go to Dunkin and get a cup of coffee, which is true.
And you don’t think about me. Now, I’m thinking, gosh, I want you to sleep. She’s thinking, thank you for sharing that with me.
I’m bringing back now a donut, bringing, you know, and okay, it gets cold, it sits on the counter. But what’s the value add? The value add is now I see, wait a minute, I’ve got to think about my actions. So.
Dr. Julie Lopez: And there might have been a different interpretation, right? You were like on the, I’m letting you sleep. And she’s on the like, oh, he’s not thinking about me. But you were.
Right? And so that’s where the slowing down and the conversation help to create that bridge, which I love.
Facing Difficult Conversations Together
Lee Collins: Another strong analogy, the bridge, like, like, let’s, let’s, let’s, let’s go a little further on the bridge, right? So we, my wife and I, we recently went over the Bay Bridge, right? Her first time going over. Oh, wow.
And she was like, and it’s, you know, it’s just this big, beautiful, majestic bridge, but it’s not to get like on the other side of the hump that you kind of feel like, oh, I’m okay. Right.
Dr. Julie Lopez: Did you know, they have a service to drive people over the Bay Bridge? Say that it’s related, but because so many people actually get extremely anxious going over the Bay Bridge, because it’s so long, they have a service where you can hire someone to get in your car and drive you across.
So that because of that, I mean, you were like, oh, but you know, people get panic attacks or get anxious, not everyone, but, but it is a big, big bridge.
Lee Collins: Man, that is so beautiful because, you know, one aspect of our work and one that I’m beginning to appreciate is this idea of exposure therapy. Right.
And so in order to get over certain things, right. Maybe it’s PTSD or trauma, could be anxiety. Right.
But you’ve got to engage it. But when you engage it with someone who’s like, all right, we’re entering the bridge. I want you to visualize what we talked about.
Right. You’re safe. I want you to breathe.
So now it lessens that you encounter it. I didn’t know that I should have known that, but what a beautiful service.
Dr. Julie Lopez: I didn’t know until this year, honestly.
But again, that power of relationship, right. You’re not in this by yourself. Like, there’s someone else that’s in here with you.
And that’s a tangible kind of felt thing. But you were going to say about going over the bridge and your wife, and then you get to the other side, and you start realizing, oh, I’m going to make it.
Lee Collins: And so, you know, now it’s like, I let’s, so let’s, let’s get on the bridge, right.
Let’s get on the bridge together, and let’s get going. Right. So, and this has come, this happened this week, but it’s coming, kind of coming together here.
Sometimes as couples. Now this, this, this can be true in the workplace, right? If you’re having conversations with people, with your siblings, family members, like we don’t have certain conversations because we’re, we’re so afraid of the emotional ramp up, right?
I’m on 50, right? And there’s that little teeny bridge over the Severn River. Oh, the Bay Bridge is going to be so bad, right?
The truth is, once we get on the bridge, it’s not as bad as we thought. So learning how to, all right, we’re going to have a conversation. We’re going to have a conversation about our bridge, right?
So, couples, I know you’re going to blame me, and I know you’re going to blame, right? No, no, but we’re going to have a conversation. We’re going to lower the blame, or if we need to take a break, we’re going to take a break, you know, but we’re going to get in this conversation, this conversation bridge together, and get some help.
If we need some help, let’s get some help.
The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling
Dr. Julie Lopez: I love that you just said the whole blaming thing. Cause I heard you talk about earlier about these couple of things that can really get in the way of connecting around relationship.
And one was blaming, the other was criticizing. And then you mentioned stonewalling, but all tactics that people might do, even without intending to, that will kind of tank the connection in a relationship.
Lee Collins: That comes from the Gottmans.
Dr. Julie Lopez: Yeah.
Lee Collins: I hope I get to meet them one day. Their, their, their, their work is just.
Dr. Julie Lopez: Except there are four, right? The four horsemen
Lee Collins: The four, the four horsemen, the fourth one is defensiveness, which I kind of think is, is kind of the link, the linchpin, so to speak. But when, when, when you, so sometimes, you know, when you’re, when you’re in an argument, your awareness is, is not as, as tuned as it should be. So a person outside of you can say, wait a minute, you, you got defensive there. What’s that about? Where’s that come from? You were criticizing instead of listening. So becoming aware of those things, you know, why, why do I, when my spouse asks me, “why did I stop on the way home and spend an hour at the cigar lounge?” Why, why is my first response? Well, you hang out with your girlfriends, right? Or why are you asking about that? The bills are paid, right? So my, why is my natural response defensiveness as opposed to something else? Oh, help me understand, you know, maybe she just simply wants to know what we talk about there. Maybe she just wants to enter my world a little bit.
But, but, but that, that move to defensiveness and criticism. And when, and when, when you make progress in those, OMG, it’s like paying off a credit card. You pay one off.
You’re like, oh my God, we can do this.
Dr. Julie Lopez: I love that. Very relatable, right? In this day and age, right now.
I know this is going to sound crazy. And maybe before we move to this, we’re almost at the end of our time, but I did just want to say you talk so much. And obviously, this is a major piece of relationships about the power of communication, which has, you know, the listening, the communicating, and the receiving, but I did hear that communication is the most powerful tool.
Our voice is the most powerful tool that we possess. And so I wanted to give just a little shout-out to the fact that the prolific and talented Lee Collins and I met at a Toastmasters club that was specifically for people in the mental health profession, and honing that tool, right? Which is only one part of effective relating, but honing that tool is super powerful.
Lee Collins: Oh my.
And you know, when you mentioned that, so for those who haven’t attended, part of Toastmasters is getting feedback, right?
Dr. Julie Lopez: Yes.
Lee Collins: You give a speech, you get feedback, and what a privilege to work on that skill right there. And then, you know, public speaking is almost inherently anxiety or fear, you know, fear inducing.
So it’s a place to work on that. And it was, it’s just such a great experience. I had such a great time in Viva Toastmasters.
Three Morning Practices to Strengthen Relationships
Dr. Julie Lopez: It is a great experience. So here we are at the end of our time. So what is the basic building block of all relating? It starts with a great morning routine.
Tell us about the three things that you recommend for jump-starting your morning.
1. Intentional Self-Talk
Lee Collins: So three things that I do, and I’ve worked on them, continue to work on them.
But the first is what is your first self-talk in the morning? And so think about the alarm goes off or you wake up, and you decide I’m gonna get out of bed.
So you pull the covers off, and you swing your legs over, is your talk, oh God, I gotta get this day started? Or is it something positive? And so last year I used just a simple template, and it went like this. Today is gonna be a great day because fill in the blank.
I get to fill in the blank. Today’s gonna be a great day because I get to exercise my skill and I get to meet with clients.
And this week, it’s “Today is gonna be a great day because I have a beautiful heart and I get to grow.”
And so you can put whatever you want, but literally that thought. So then now I’m headed to the bathroom to brush my teeth. And so now my mind is all right, subconsciously, subconsciously doesn’t eliminate other stuff, subconsciously there’s a sea. And then somewhere in my morning, and this is, I just, this is evidence-based, what is your gratitude practice? So while you’re, so for example, while you’re…
Dr. Julie Lopez: That’s number two?
Okay. So don’t skip to number two yet. Cause I want to say today, I was like, “Today is going to be a great day cause I’m interviewing Lee Collins on the Whole by Design podcast.” I’m not even kidding.
I brought it up in the officers’ meeting this morning. I was like, Lee’s going to be on the podcast. And everyone’s like, Lee, he’s so great.
Lee Collins: Thank you.
2. Gratitude Practice
Lee Collins: But gratitude, there’s so much research, Google it, do some research on the impact of gratitude and mindset and wellbeing, but you, but it’s not, I’m grateful for today. It’s you, you, you’ve got to develop some system, right? So you’re brushing your teeth, or you’re making your coffee, you’re in your car, and just simply say, I’m going to say three things. I’m grateful.
I’m grateful that my car starts. I’m grateful that I have money in my pocket. I’m grateful that we have heat in our house.
I’m grateful that I have a wife that’s still with me. I’m grateful I have a job. I’m grateful that my bank account is not negative.
And what is beautiful about that experiment is that the harder things are for you, the more real it gets. I’m grateful I woke up today. I’m grateful I have a coat.
I’m grateful I have shoes.
Helen Keller is quoted as saying, I was sad that I didn’t have shoes until I met a man who didn’t have any feet. And so when we practice gratitude, it does something.
3. Affirmations
And then, the last is have some practice for affirmations. Affirmations are statements that are true that I know to be true, irrespective of my feelings or my circumstances.
I am powerful, and I attract good people.
I am creative and talented.
I will reach my goal.
And so I use an app for that.
I think it’s just called the I am app, but there’s so many, but those three practices, now that they’re a part of my life, um, it’s, I cannot think, I mean, I had some tough days, but I didn’t have any bad mornings and I never, I can’t think of a day in 2025 where I didn’t feel like, all right, something, we’re going to make something happen to me. So I, and I offer that, you know, let’s folks, let’s try it. Let’s see what happens.
And you may add, I hope, uh, people who watch, I hope they find some ways to take it up a notch and tell us so we can improve how to master or start our mornings.
Dr. Julie Lopez: I love that so much. So it’s the self-talk right first out of the gate, gratitude, and then affirmations.
I love it. Love it. Love it.
Closing and Resources
Dr. Julie Lopez: If you love Lee as much as I love Lee and want to work with him in any way related to relationship to self, relationship to others, intimate relationships, you can find him at growtherapy.com under the Maryland therapist. His name is Lee Collins.
Thank you so much for joining me on this episode of Whole by Design.
I hope it left you feeling inspired to toss out the labels, embrace new perspectives, and take one step closer to the joy and clarity that is waiting for you. As always, visit www.vivapartnership.com to access our free and low-cost resources that will empower you and your loved ones on health and healing. Let’s spread the message, subscribe, review, or share this episode with someone who could benefit from a stigma-dropping approach to mental fitness today.
