Whether you are a first-time reader of the Viva blog or have followed us for years, episode four of The Viva View is at the heart of our work. The adoptee’s experience of relinquishment as trauma is why Viva exists. Adoptions is a loss that is often not fully processed and minimized. The mental health effects of this are both statistically and personally significant.
Adopted people are over-represented in residential treatment, diagnostic statistics for depression, anxiety, bipolar, ADHD, PTSD, suicide, and more. Many are shocked to hear this since the reasons are often swept under the rug in our society. However, people who have lived through the experiences associated with adoption are largely misunderstood.
In this episode, our founder, CEO, and adopted person Dr. Julie Lopez shared a moving and open conversation with fellow adoptee and creator of the podcast Adoptees On, Hayley Radke. Together they dissect the Reactive Attachment “Disorder” (RAD) label from a more compassionate lens that is adoptee-centric.
Their discourse is relevant to any human who has experienced great relationship damage or loss with a primary caregiver. They both challenge the common ways adoptees are misunderstood by society and mental health providers alike. They share what they have personally felt and experienced as adoptees. All the while, providing hope for the many adoptees who have been led to believe they are the problem.
“What is true is that you are so worthy and loved. Just because you are a human on this planet. As Gabor Mate says ‘life wanted life and life wanted you here.’” – Hayley Radke
You Make Sense
As Hayley and Julie discuss at length, the unfortunate message many adoptees receive is that they are unwanted. This input can come from many places – encoded in an infant’s implicit memory, the family dynamic an adoptee enters into, and friendships are just a few.
Many adoptees navigate life with a felt sense that something is wrong with them or that they are not where they are supposed to be. “These were the wrong hands that were touching me,” as Hayley so poignantly remarked. “I know my adoptive parents love me, but (they were) the wrong hands.”
Supporting this, infant psychology and developmental psychology teach that:
“When we enter the world, we take in information through our senses….. Adopted parents are strangers on a sensory level to an infant. Their sensory data does not match what the infant has come to know.” – Dr. Julie Lopez
Compounding this, adoptees who live with these feelings of not belonging are often encouraged to be grateful that they found a family at all. When what they need is affirmation and normalization of what they’ve lived through and how it understandably impacts them today.
The Problem with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)
In response to the many ways adoption is distressing to a nervous system, some adoptees receive professional mental health support. Discussed at length in episode four, is the official DSM diagnosis of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Unfortunately RAD is a common diagnosis adoptees receive.
This diagnosis labels a person as “unpredictable, difficult to console, difficult to discipline, having rapidly fluctuating moods, and seeming to live in a fight, flight, or freeze mode.” As a child who has lived through the trauma of relinquishment, then adoption, possibly foster homes, and other unpredictable situations, receiving this diagnosis can perpetuate the false belief that they are the problem.
“Oh, your child has reactive attachment disorder. These are the things we can do to fix them. There’s (little to) no focus on how the parents can adapt their parenting and change those things. So the whole way along for this adoptee, you’re the issue, you’re the problem, we gotta fix you.” – Hayley’s comment on the application of RAD to adoptees
The New RAD: Radically Adaptive Development
As mental health professionals, we know that behaviors develop in response to life circumstances. For adoptees who experienced the pre-verbal trauma of being separated from their biological parents, behaviors associated with RAD are entirely understandable. As Julie shared:
“You’re testing people. You’re checking to make sure things are safe. You don’t want to be hurt again. That is adaptive.” – Dr. Julie Lopez
They continue to discuss how systematically and sociologically, it is difficult to reconcile that the label falls on the person who is in distress. Distress is a response. As Gabor Maté says, and as referenced in episode one, “Trauma is not what happens to you but what happens inside you,” in response to what happened to you.
“I’ve seen so many people that are able, through some of the advancements in neuropsychology, to really change some of the mapping. That’s really the crux of this message – that the labels are keeping people complacent and not searching for some of the resources that are out there. If you say, ‘Oh, this adopted person with RAD is never going to have good relationships. They are just kind of defective in this way.’ It’s such a disservice to the person who’s experienced these hardships in life that, of course, make them protective of connecting with people.” – Dr. Julie Lopez
Help and Hope Are Real
Nearing the end of their conversation, Dr. Julie asked Hayley ‘What types of things do you see helping those in the adoptee community?’ As a thriving podcast host who has interviewed almost 300 adoptees, Hayley has a pulse on what is helping adoptees to heal and thrive.
- Community. Connect with other adoptees. Whether in person or through online resources. The camaraderie and exchange of understanding that can come from hearing someone’s story and feeling ‘me too’ cannot be overstated.
- Find a therapist who is adopted or adoptee-informed. You don’t have to explain yourself over and over. Working with a therapist who understands the impacts of adoption means that you are seen from day one. Connect with our team at Viva or reach out to us for referrals.
- Non-talk based therapies. Any type of traumatic relationship loss experience is embedded deep into a person’s subconscious, or implicit memory. Therapy modalities such as EMDR and Brainspotting bypass the sometimes retraumatizing process of telling your story and tap into your brain’s innate capacity to heal.
- Learning other adoptees’ stories. Books, podcasts, and documentaries exist to highlight individual adoptees’ stories and the narratives at play. Adoptees On and Hayley’s recommended resources page are great places to start.
